Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
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Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again