These aliens are taking forever.
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What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks