I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
You Might Also Like
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left