Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
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ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.