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Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright