me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
incredible text to wake up to
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
This has made my week.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
A GPS. But for where your story is going.