Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago