How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
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That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Reporter: *ports again*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.