Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Yep.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
it was love at first sight
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me