ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*puts my mental health in rice
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
it’s finally my moment to shine
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder