I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Well. That’s not a good sign.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh