my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
this is the greatest thing ever
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Poetry is my passion
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island