Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
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date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.