I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
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My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.