Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
You Might Also Like
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy