Barbie gone wild
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Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.