judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
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oh u like geography? name every lake
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )