“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
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me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”