We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
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i made a craigslist ad !
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Think I pulled my liver
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it