Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
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It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
yeet
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.