ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
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A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms