If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
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Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.