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Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
is this a threat
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”