I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Beauty and the Beast
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
We avoided this particular disaster
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Discuss
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy