casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
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*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.