I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
the three genders
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again