[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
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I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.