Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.