Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
You Might Also Like
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
The answer is funnier than the question
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Them: Just act casual
Me: