me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Need tips on making something look like an accident.