We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.