If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.