It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
You Might Also Like
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.