So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
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[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
decorating my apartment
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too