Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
? 💀
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
🤣🤣
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out