ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Unexpected Judgment
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”