Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.