Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Someone just threatened to call me later
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Cats are still liquid.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg