someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
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Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Cat is stressing him out.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
First rule of flight club…no penguins.