DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
they split up moments later
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.