Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
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I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.