Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.