Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’