So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.