Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
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Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland