(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
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I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome