Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
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My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Them: Just act casual
Me:
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Meeeee too!
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog