People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: π₯ππππ₯
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when itβs coming from my suitcase.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car Iβm driving.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Adding βscroll for two hoursβ to my To-Do list, so I wonβt do it.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Nothing says I donβt want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My mind is a steel trapβ¦that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.