Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
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*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.