I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”